The Pain of Divorce - What to Expect and How to Move Forward
Divorce can cause a lot of unwanted stress, unwanted pain and unwanted disappointment. However, one of the best ways to overcome this pain is to identify the feelings and work past them. Whether you are the one who did the leaving, or whether your husband left, you will experience pain, anger, anxiety, and sadness. Below we have outlined three of the common painful feelings that may creep into your life before, during and after a divorce, and how to push them out the door for good.
Of course you are angry. You are angry at yourself for letting the marriage spiral out of control; you are angry at your husband for not giving more to the relationship; and, if someone else is involved, you are most certainly angry at her for ruining your life. If you got involved with someone, then you are angry with yourself for allowing it to happen. Although some anger is healthy, you need to know how to control this anger before it spirals out of control. See a therapist or a coach who can help you get to the root cause of the anger and channel this anger in healthy ways such as exercise, meditation and stress relief activities. One of the best ways to get over this anger is to get together with your girlfriends, order takeout and some wine, and vent it all out. The anger will not go away overnight. In fact, it may take years, but, in time and with plenty of long chats with your girlfriends, it eventually will.
The feeling of anxiety can be the most painful of all. It affects your ability to function properly during the day, to sleep well at night, and to get on with the regular activities. Most anxiety is centered on moving forward and sorting out the past things you shared, such as children, finances and property. Take it one step at a time. Hire a divorce lawyer to help you through it and always remember that it’s going to work out fine- just because you are getting divorced does not mean it is the end of lose your life. If the anxious feeling in your stomach and the stress is becoming too much, try to practice stress relieving activities. Exercise, warm baths, visits to the spa and time alone can all help relieve the daily pressures and the added pressure of the impending divorce.
Regardless of whether or not you instigated the divorce, you most likely are feeling quite sad about the whole situation. After all, he was the love of your life. You can’t just put those feelings in a bottle and forget they ever existed. Although you may not be in love with your husband after the divorce, you most likely will always love him for the memories he gave you. It’s okay to be sad, to cry, and to wish it never happened. A divorce is a loss that takes time to heal. Try to remember that the happiness that you shared will always be a part of you- although perhaps you will not find that happiness with your husband again, there is always hope for an even stronger love in the future.
Vanaja Ghose is a Professional Life Coach from Toronto. She has been trained and certified by Accomplishment Coaching (www.accomplishmentcoaching.com), a world renowned ICF-accredited organization. She is a member of ICF-Toronto.
Vanaja coaches women who made the difficult choice of leaving their marriage and helps them see that our biggest roadblocks come from within us just as true healing, abundant growth and amazing success also begin in the mind. Find out more about her coaching at www.LeavingYourMarriage.com. According to Vanaja, the most important role of divorce coaching is to help women break through negative patterns and defeating thoughts.
Vanaja is also an adult education facilitator and an accomplished visual artist.