I remember how shaky the ground felt after divorce. In time I realized that this is completely natural. In fact, after leaving your marriage, you will most likely feel that your entire world has collapsed, not just your marriage. Your self esteem may be at its lowest. It can take some time to achieve the stability after a divorce that you once had in your life, back in simpler times. However, here are four tips to gaining and maintaining stability in your life after divorce.
Re-invent your Routine
We all have a day to day routine. This may include things like cooking breakfast, getting the kids to school, going to work, walking the dog, making lunches, making dinner, cleaning the house, driving the kids to their various activities and any thing else that consumes your life. However, when you go through a divorce, these daily routines may seem a little odd; after all, you are missing an essential ingredient - your husband. The best thing you can do is to push forward without that missing link. In time you will have trouble remembering what it was like with him around.
Establish your Own Schedule
After the dust has settled, after the smoke has cleared and after the divorce has finalized, you will be able to see a long road ahead. It may seem frightening and lonely but you can’t think of it this way. Instead, think of all the things you can do now that you don’t have to put your husband first. Once again, you are first. Do those things you always wanted to do but never got around to - take up painting, re-decorate the living room, read more, learn how to cook a five course meal, take up pottery - you can fill those voids with your own activities and establish a routine that is all your own.
Don’t Dwell on Lonely Nights and Weekends
Most women will have trouble coming to terms with an empty bed and evenings and weekends alone. Perhaps Friday nights were usually spent as date nights or perhaps Saturday evenings were family evenings. This can be one of the hardest parts about divorce. However, you need to push past this by establishing different night-time activities. Good ideas include dinner and movies with friends, wine weekends, Sunday morning brunches with family, and activities with the kids.
Focus on the Future
Remember what it felt like to be young and have all sorts of dreams and goals for the next few years. Perhaps you had a wedding to plan, a family to create and vacations to dream of. Just because these dreams are finished does not mean you cannot plan and create other dreams to look forward to. In the same way you made a five year and ten year plan in your twenties, you can still do this now. Dreaming about the future can give your present life a focus to go after. Keep in mind that, although it may seem like everything is falling apart, this is not the case. It is possible to return to a normal life and stability after a divorce - you just need to concentrate on creating one.
Call to Action
What is one thing that you have always wanted to do, but never had time for? Take one simple step of researching it this week – for example, if you want to learn how to dance, find out from you local community about dance classes – where are they offered, when do they start, how much do they cost, etc. The key is to start somewhere.
Vanaja Ghose is a Professional Life Coach from Toronto. She has been trained and certified by Accomplishment Coaching (www.accomplishmentcoaching.com), a world renowned ICF-accredited organization. She is a member of ICF-Toronto.
Vanaja coaches women who made the difficult choice of leaving their marriage and helps them see that our biggest roadblocks come from within us just as true healing, abundant growth and amazing success also begin in the mind. Find out more about her coaching at www.LeavingYourMarriage.com. According to Vanaja, the most important role of divorce coaching is to help women break through negative patterns and defeating thoughts.
Vanaja is also an adult education facilitator and an accomplished visual artist.